Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
