I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.