I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
