when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize