Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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