you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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