so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
