This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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