3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I puked a lego.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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