I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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