Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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