I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
