life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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