She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
