I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
