i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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