I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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