if you like me you must not know who I am
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
