pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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