Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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