i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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