So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
