Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
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You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
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I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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