The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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