So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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