Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you win again, gameday.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
