Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
