so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
