I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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