checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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