U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
