Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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