He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
