Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
