I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
