Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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