if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I skipped work to stalk him.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
