She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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