Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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