Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I wish you could order shots online.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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