Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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