there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
