LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
