Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
