I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
