I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
don't judge my taste in strippers
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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