I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
