Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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