chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
