I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
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Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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