How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
