Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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