In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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